Journal of Exile, Part 4

Again I find myself learning, stretching in new directions that I had not believed possible. It has been over a day now since I've last written in this journal, but much has transpired in that time. Thinking about everything A'dal has taught me has brought me a measure of self-awareness that I previously had lacked. I can sit back and review my life without the blindness of my own pride to stop me from seeing who and what I really am.

I am not pleased with what I see in the end.

What did I do to progress so far down this path, and so close to that of my mother? My near-slaying of Kyliska has shown me that I have committed an act that is almost identical to what she did when she passed from this world. Her anger, her rage and passion consumed her and all of those innocents in the fires of her magic, just as Kyliska and Andissiel were almost consumed in my own passion. Seeing this now has brought cold reality to me, and shown me that my path is wrong.

I sat for quite some time pondering this, and wondering what I could do to change it. What caused me to go this route? Was it my grasping for power, or was it the nature of the power I am attempting to wield that did it? Naturally when grasping for dark powers, one tends to be influenced by them. Could this then be the cause of my problems? Have I been contaminating myself with darkness, when I thought all along that I was in complete control?

Again my footsteps fell on the path to A'dal. I wanted to ask him what I should do. I wanted to seek out a solution to the problem. I will never stop grasping for magical power. It is a part of me, and it is also something that I love above all else, but is there a way to temper what I seek in order to protect those I love and care for? I thought A'dal would know.

What he showed me...I cannot even begin to describe how I feel at this moment. I feel whole. I feel complete as I have not in so very long. My Thirst is not one that can be quenched, but my tastes, the desires I have for various types of magic can be swayed depending on my fondness for the magic I am consuming. A'dal showed me a new source this night, one I had never considered before. He filled me with the Light.

To be actually filled with power, to have my Thirst abate, even for a moment, was something I have never imagined possible. It was like the sweetest of foods, the most savory dishes placed before me, the most comfortable and warm bed on a cold night. It was all of these things but the words pale in comparison to the pure rapture I felt. To the bliss and serenity that washed over me in that time. I felt all of the darkness within me recede. I felt peace for once in almost one hundred years.

There is no other way to say this. I believe. I believe in the Light now. I have seen it with my own eyes. I have seen that this power, this force is beyond any other, and is there only to nurture and heal. It is so much sweeter than the darkness I had become accustomed to consuming. And best of all, it is within our Sunwell now. I can experience this again at will. Now that I know how to look for it, now that I can pray for it to come to me, I can seek it out even there, and feel this bliss again.

I will use this as a guide in my life. I will mend what I have broken with the darkness, and heal it with this Light that fills me now. I may need to fight wars, I may need to slay again, but at least now, in the dark of night I will have something to hold on to while I sleep. I will never be alone again.

The thought comforts me beyond words.