I find my heart heavy
this morning. I thought that I would be past this after crying myself to
sleep last evening, but I am still in a state of shock and confusion
over what transpired. Maybe if I write my thoughts down it will become
more clear to me? This is my hope.
Prince Whitedawn has returned from Fel knows where. He claimed that he was away in Dire Maul searching for a cure for my curse. I had received a letter to this effect long after he disappeared, so it is probably the truth, but I don't understand why he left in the first place. Why would he simply abandon me when I needed him here far more than I needed him searching for a magical solution to a problem I could have eventually resolved for myself. I needed him to protect me, to comfort me when I failed, to love and hold me. I have no one to do that. It is as I said to Archmage Wyrmcurse last night, when the battles are over for the day, when the dead have been counted and we walk from the field, I go home to my empty bedchambers to relive the horror alone in the night. I have no comfort, no solace, no one to ease my aching heart as it mourns the losses of my friends and allies who fall in battle.
Many have fallen in battle recently. Between the ill fated attack on Honor Hold and the terribly disorganized defense of Silvermoon City, I have witnessed countless needless and tragic deaths. My skill at command is questionable at best, and I come to doubt myself. No one is there to ease my doubts, or to make me feel worthwhile when I falter in my path. Prince Whitedawn could have been such a man, if he had only stayed by my side.
I find myself also thinking of Aeranor. I saw him yesterday, and even spoke with him. He was pleasant to me, as if everything that had come in the past were merely setbacks in our friendship and things to be ignored. I find my heart ignited by hope again, but also despair as I fear the Lord will never accept me for who I am or come to love me. After my failures of this weekend I would understand completely why he would feel this way. A warmistress who fails in war is hardly a useful asset to one's fortunes after all.
I am displeased that my friends and allies cannot get along and work together in a coherent group. Even Archmage Wyrmcurse was being unreasonable last evening. His desire to burn my new friend Cynri was simply unacceptable. He didn't even seem to understand why his actions and his incessant fighting with Prince upset me so much. Even as I was in tears he continued to insult me. I know he did not mean his words, as he tried to make amends later, but they still stung and only added to my hurt. If only I could be as uplifted as Kyliska! Would that her newfound brightness would fill me as well. Perhaps meditation will help. I certainly hope so.
I will write more after I have meditated and sorted these feelings out.
Prince Whitedawn has returned from Fel knows where. He claimed that he was away in Dire Maul searching for a cure for my curse. I had received a letter to this effect long after he disappeared, so it is probably the truth, but I don't understand why he left in the first place. Why would he simply abandon me when I needed him here far more than I needed him searching for a magical solution to a problem I could have eventually resolved for myself. I needed him to protect me, to comfort me when I failed, to love and hold me. I have no one to do that. It is as I said to Archmage Wyrmcurse last night, when the battles are over for the day, when the dead have been counted and we walk from the field, I go home to my empty bedchambers to relive the horror alone in the night. I have no comfort, no solace, no one to ease my aching heart as it mourns the losses of my friends and allies who fall in battle.
Many have fallen in battle recently. Between the ill fated attack on Honor Hold and the terribly disorganized defense of Silvermoon City, I have witnessed countless needless and tragic deaths. My skill at command is questionable at best, and I come to doubt myself. No one is there to ease my doubts, or to make me feel worthwhile when I falter in my path. Prince Whitedawn could have been such a man, if he had only stayed by my side.
I find myself also thinking of Aeranor. I saw him yesterday, and even spoke with him. He was pleasant to me, as if everything that had come in the past were merely setbacks in our friendship and things to be ignored. I find my heart ignited by hope again, but also despair as I fear the Lord will never accept me for who I am or come to love me. After my failures of this weekend I would understand completely why he would feel this way. A warmistress who fails in war is hardly a useful asset to one's fortunes after all.
I am displeased that my friends and allies cannot get along and work together in a coherent group. Even Archmage Wyrmcurse was being unreasonable last evening. His desire to burn my new friend Cynri was simply unacceptable. He didn't even seem to understand why his actions and his incessant fighting with Prince upset me so much. Even as I was in tears he continued to insult me. I know he did not mean his words, as he tried to make amends later, but they still stung and only added to my hurt. If only I could be as uplifted as Kyliska! Would that her newfound brightness would fill me as well. Perhaps meditation will help. I certainly hope so.
I will write more after I have meditated and sorted these feelings out.
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