Diary Entry, Second of November

I have come to find that Jazari Mechavolt knew and condoned the severing of our link, or at the very least did little to put a stop to it. He also didn't warn me that it would happen, or take any steps to tell me that he had not passed on once the link was severed. I.... *the sentence is smudged here as if the writer meant to say many things and didn't know what words to use.*

What is it like to have a soulmate? This is something I ponder at times, especially when the world seems dark and cruel. I have no one to rely on, no one to depend on and love with my whole heart who understands fully who I am and what I do. I have no one to run to when the darkness creeps up on me and attacks me, as my mother did several nights ago. I think, to an extent, that the link I shared with Jazari Mechavolt was as close to having a soulmate as I have ever come. He understood my thoughts, my hopes and dreams. He knew me by who I am inside, as well as my actions on the outside, which can easily appear cruel and callous. He understood that I was not all that I appeared to be, and that within me there is a person who loves magic, learning, and life. A person who would never have marched off to war if not for the most dire of needs, the needs of my people.

He chose to sever our link, despite knowing that. Is is strange then, that I feel spurned, as if a lover had rejected me? As if he had weighed and judged me by the deepest, most internal thoughts and feelings, and found me lacking? Is it strange that I miss him? I miss his thoughts intertwined with me, his passion for magic and science flowing into my own subconscious, stimulating my own dreams and desires? I think back to the creation of our device, to the excitement and joy I felt, and yes, even the pleasure I experienced while casting those spells. It is something I will never ever forget, no matter how long I live.

Did I love Jazari? I mean, truly love him as one would a mate? I do not know how to answer that question, but one thing makes me pause. If I did not love him, then why do I miss him so terribly much? Why is it cold and lonely at night now, instead of full of wonder? Why, when I look at the beautiful things around me, do I feel no joy, because I can't instantly share them with someone that I know would appreciate them. I think that I did love him, more deeply than I could possibly have imagined.

I do not know what to do. I think that I can never again open my heart, for fear that this pain I feel now will return again. Imagine how much worse it would have been, if I had known then and told him my true innermost feelings? Imagine how I would feel then.

I would rather not feel at all, and be a cold sculpture of the perfect Sin'dorei. Perfect, unfeeling, frozen. I think that magic is all I have to cling to, and this is a sad thing.