I was awakened this morning by Jazari Mechavolt's presence. I do not know what he was doing, or where he was exactly, but he felt very close to me. It is disturbing that I can sense his proximity to me even as I sleep. This entire situation is actually quite disturbing, and I'm beginning to have very strange feelings about the matter truth be told.
Although I would never tell anyone this in person, I think it is safe to entrust my thoughts to these pages, if only so that I can sort them out myself. I am beginning to find that I have quite a bit of respect for Jazari. This alone might not be surprising since he is an expert in the use of magic, but it is unusual since he is also my foe, and generally I do not consider any who ally with the humans as better than animals themselves.
Jazari is far from an animal. His intelligence and forsight into matters has quite frankly surprised me on more than one occassion. He has even offered me advice of all things, and wise council at that! I fear that I am almost starting to find myself looking to him to discuss matters that are on my mind, and yet how can I do so, knowing that he is my mortal enemy and that we are on opposing sides in a war? Is my own mind becoming treasonous, or is this curiosity about him simply an innocent byproduct of our magical link?
I am beginning to feel guilt for my treatment of the gnome. Although I believed at the time that my cause in searching for the spellbook of Helcular was just, I know now how false a path it was. I harmed friend and foe alike during my quest to obtain it, and Jazari Mechavolt was amongst them. I captured and tortured him, and now the memory of this act brings with it a great feeling of guilt and shame. Although he is my foe and I should defeat him whenever possible, I think that he is worthy of more than a simple execution and certainly more than the base treatment to which I subjected him. I doubt that I could ever offer him apology in a way that he would find acceptable, but perhaps in time the memory of what I did will fade, and he will not be traumatized by it. That is my hope at least. Certainly if our situation was different I would make amends to him, but such is not possible in a war.
There is also the matter of the dream we shared. I understand now that none of my thoughts and feelings will be completely concealed from Jazari unless I actively seek to deprive him of knowledge. My military strategies and planning can be easily concealed for instance, since even in my sleep my will is strong and my desire to save my people through these actions is firm. Other thoughts and feelings though, such as those of my heart, are quite open to him.
I wonder now what he thinks of me? He knows me better than many I suspect. He knows Biara the Butcher as well as Biar'athiel. I wonder now how he judges me.
*Biara spent some time rereading the text as if she almost wanted another to read it with her. As if this was the only way she would ever be able to offer an apology hidden within the writing.*
No comments:
Post a Comment