*Biara's diary lies open
on the surface of her writing table. The page is filled with her
meticulous script and the margins have a variety of doodles, hearts, and
even a few magical symbols and mathematical calculations drawn on them.
It appears as if she spent some time writing this page, thinking the
words over in her mind and pondering their meaning.*
It has been many days since I've written in my journal, months even. Many things have happened that have changed my life fundamentally. I am still the same person since the last time I wrote, and yet I am different now as well. I have had little need to write, as my thoughts have been clear and ordered, my path obvious. Now...now there are things that I cannot stop thinking of, and I will write them down in an attempt to better understand them.
I will start with a simple matter, that of a troubled friend. The elf Alanth No'telyle has been troubled as of late. I could see it in his eyes when we last met, hear it in the tension in his voice. He made subtle jibes at me in anger, and yet I sense that he is not angry at me, but perhaps at himself.
What motivates a person to walk such a lonely path? Does he even understand his own heart, or what he truly wants and needs? I can see it in his eyes, in the way he looks at Boot. It was the look my father always had in his eyes when he looked at my mother. The look of needing, of wanting something more than yourself. Can Alanth even admit such a thing to himself, that he would actually need another person to feel whole? I feel like I should speak with him, and try to give him the comfort of something I think he's been lacking for a very long time; that of a friend. I wonder, in an amused sense, if Alanth has ever had a female attempt to befriend him, if any have ever avoided becoming just another conquest and useless trophy for his memories? I suspect it will throw him off guard, but perhaps do him good to have a female actually scold him as a friend would, and drive him from his self-delusional depression over a doomed romance. I will do what I can for him when next I see him.
The word 'friend' brings me to think of a very special person that I have recently met. The Blood Knight known as Makaelen Brightdawn is unlike any I've met before. He is strong and brave like many other Blood Knights, but I also sense something underneath his strength. He has about him a certain naive innocence, a charming lack of worry over the events of the world that leaves me breathless. I get this sense despite the fact that he flirted outrageously with me at the beach party that Boot was kind enough to invite me to. Perhaps, in his attempts to bluster and draw in a woman, he never actually expected his efforts to succeed?
Have they succeeded? What am I thinking, to be flying out into the far reaches of the Outlands just to check on the knight? He's certainly capable of taking care of himself, as I've seen, so why do I worry over him when I know he's left the city to go off on an adventure? Why do I think of him before I close my eyes at night?
I must tread these waters carefully now. My heart is too eager to leap from its place within my chest and land in another's palm. I have only just begun to heal from my last misadventure in love, and now I find my pulse racing when he looks at me, I find my lips aching for the taste of Light he has upon him like sweet honey. It is addictive, seductive, and dangerous to someone in my position, but more dangerous to Makaelen himself.
Dare I encourage him to continue? Can I even stop myself if I wanted to? Everytime he is with me, everytime he touches me, he puts himself at great risk. I have shared a kiss with him twice now, both times the sweetest bliss to me, but I know that others saw, especially within the Magisters' council chambers. There will be talk of this, not because it is wrong, but because gossip flows like water in the city.
He will face enemies, both from within our people and the deadly blades and spells of our foes amongst the Alliance. There are those who would do anything to hurt me, and will know that they can accomplish the task easily by hurting him. And yet, I think if I tried to explain all of this to him, he would casually wave it away in that brave manner that he has, dismissing my concerns. I think he would tell me that it was worth it.
I think it IS worth it.
The question is whether or not I can make that choice for him. Dare I put him in such danger? How irresponsible am I, to put a knight that is still training in such mortal peril? And can I make him understand the risks so that he can make a choice in an informed manner? I will have to give this some thought, while I am still capable of thought before he sweeps away my ability to resist the temptation.
There is one last thing I should mention here. It seems a silly thing, in comparison to the many battles I've fought, but when he saw me last night in battle, he did not flinch away. He watched me kill a pup of those worgen, and didn't look at me with disgust even though I felt disgusted with myself. It is encouraging to think that he might not think less of me for what I am forced to do for our people, that he might think my actions brave. This scares me as well, for he should know fully the danger I represent and why the wards on my face glitter with such a dangerous light. I should tell him, but...I don't want to drive him away.
I fear this writing has done little to clear my mind, and has given me only more questions to answer now. I will go to take my rest for the evening, but I believe my thoughts will continue to tumble, like a boulder rolling down the hill to its inevitable conclusion.
I likely will dream of him.
It has been many days since I've written in my journal, months even. Many things have happened that have changed my life fundamentally. I am still the same person since the last time I wrote, and yet I am different now as well. I have had little need to write, as my thoughts have been clear and ordered, my path obvious. Now...now there are things that I cannot stop thinking of, and I will write them down in an attempt to better understand them.
I will start with a simple matter, that of a troubled friend. The elf Alanth No'telyle has been troubled as of late. I could see it in his eyes when we last met, hear it in the tension in his voice. He made subtle jibes at me in anger, and yet I sense that he is not angry at me, but perhaps at himself.
What motivates a person to walk such a lonely path? Does he even understand his own heart, or what he truly wants and needs? I can see it in his eyes, in the way he looks at Boot. It was the look my father always had in his eyes when he looked at my mother. The look of needing, of wanting something more than yourself. Can Alanth even admit such a thing to himself, that he would actually need another person to feel whole? I feel like I should speak with him, and try to give him the comfort of something I think he's been lacking for a very long time; that of a friend. I wonder, in an amused sense, if Alanth has ever had a female attempt to befriend him, if any have ever avoided becoming just another conquest and useless trophy for his memories? I suspect it will throw him off guard, but perhaps do him good to have a female actually scold him as a friend would, and drive him from his self-delusional depression over a doomed romance. I will do what I can for him when next I see him.
The word 'friend' brings me to think of a very special person that I have recently met. The Blood Knight known as Makaelen Brightdawn is unlike any I've met before. He is strong and brave like many other Blood Knights, but I also sense something underneath his strength. He has about him a certain naive innocence, a charming lack of worry over the events of the world that leaves me breathless. I get this sense despite the fact that he flirted outrageously with me at the beach party that Boot was kind enough to invite me to. Perhaps, in his attempts to bluster and draw in a woman, he never actually expected his efforts to succeed?
Have they succeeded? What am I thinking, to be flying out into the far reaches of the Outlands just to check on the knight? He's certainly capable of taking care of himself, as I've seen, so why do I worry over him when I know he's left the city to go off on an adventure? Why do I think of him before I close my eyes at night?
I must tread these waters carefully now. My heart is too eager to leap from its place within my chest and land in another's palm. I have only just begun to heal from my last misadventure in love, and now I find my pulse racing when he looks at me, I find my lips aching for the taste of Light he has upon him like sweet honey. It is addictive, seductive, and dangerous to someone in my position, but more dangerous to Makaelen himself.
Dare I encourage him to continue? Can I even stop myself if I wanted to? Everytime he is with me, everytime he touches me, he puts himself at great risk. I have shared a kiss with him twice now, both times the sweetest bliss to me, but I know that others saw, especially within the Magisters' council chambers. There will be talk of this, not because it is wrong, but because gossip flows like water in the city.
He will face enemies, both from within our people and the deadly blades and spells of our foes amongst the Alliance. There are those who would do anything to hurt me, and will know that they can accomplish the task easily by hurting him. And yet, I think if I tried to explain all of this to him, he would casually wave it away in that brave manner that he has, dismissing my concerns. I think he would tell me that it was worth it.
I think it IS worth it.
The question is whether or not I can make that choice for him. Dare I put him in such danger? How irresponsible am I, to put a knight that is still training in such mortal peril? And can I make him understand the risks so that he can make a choice in an informed manner? I will have to give this some thought, while I am still capable of thought before he sweeps away my ability to resist the temptation.
There is one last thing I should mention here. It seems a silly thing, in comparison to the many battles I've fought, but when he saw me last night in battle, he did not flinch away. He watched me kill a pup of those worgen, and didn't look at me with disgust even though I felt disgusted with myself. It is encouraging to think that he might not think less of me for what I am forced to do for our people, that he might think my actions brave. This scares me as well, for he should know fully the danger I represent and why the wards on my face glitter with such a dangerous light. I should tell him, but...I don't want to drive him away.
I fear this writing has done little to clear my mind, and has given me only more questions to answer now. I will go to take my rest for the evening, but I believe my thoughts will continue to tumble, like a boulder rolling down the hill to its inevitable conclusion.
I likely will dream of him.
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