Journal of Exile, Entry 3

I have learned another lesson this evening. I spent quite a few hours during the day thinking about A'dal's words, pondering the things I had seen about my friends, the things I had done to them. A question began to form in my mind, one that I needed answered. I feared to ask it, but it would not rest in my thoughts and finally I went to him again.

Am I an evil person?

That is what I asked A'dal. The question had been churning in me for hours, guilt and fear of what I'd become, and that I might have become something even worse than my mother ate away at me during that time. I feared the response I would get, but I came with the knowledge that I would accept it. As with our previous meeting, the Naaru answered me through visions.

Scenes formed in my mind. I saw myself on a dock in Tanaris, wand in hand as I tortured Jazari Mechavolt. I felt his pain as my spells did their work, felt his fear. I saw my cousin, bound to the floor in an apartment as I fed from her magic. I felt her anguish at her lost essence, I felt the panic she must have felt, the helplessness. I saw my maidservant, Bronrianna, as she knelt before me, I saw my words lashing out at her, mocking the very disaster that had made her into a death knight, calling her unclean and scouring her feelings as if they were nothing. I saw myself within an inn in Theramore, cutting down the inhabitants left and right. I saw a man and a woman fall, and saw the look of horror on the two young children standing behind them as they were made orphans on the spot. Last of all, I saw myself standing beside a forsaken siege engine, watching as the inhabitants of Southshore were doused with toxic gas, hearing their screams as they were murdered in the most horrific fashion possible as I did nothing.

My body trembled to see these images, and tears streamed down my face. I took them to mean that A'dal was judging me as ultimate evil. I believe at that moment that everything I am was foul and misguided. I wondered why no one struck me down on the spot with the horrors I had caused. And yet...the visions were not done, new ones filled my mind.

I saw myself hurling magic, beset on all sides by Sin'dorei who called themselves Firehawks in Terrorkar Forest as I worked ever closer to a magical construct in the center of town. I felt my wounds as if they were fresh as I pressed on, bravely battling dozens of spellcasters to disarm the mana bomb before it could be used on the nearby Allerian Stronghold. I saw myself battling alone, nearly naked in the depths of the Violet Hold against half a dozen necromancers, foiling their plans to destroy the city and risking my own eternal life in the process. I saw myself, disguised as a human as I made my way into an orphanage in stormwind, leaving food and toys behind for the young children. I saw myself, hand in hand with Jazari as we crafted a wondrous device that could potentially save thousands of lives, despite the risk if we were caught together. Finally I saw myself, in a dozen dozen battles, leading foes from my allies so that they could escape, taking countless wounds so that they could live on, so that they would not be hurt.

I fell to my knees then, sobbing with relief to know that A'dal had NOT judged me, had not condemned me for who I was. The lesson was so clear now, so perfectly obvious; we all have good AND evil within us, and can bring either forth by our actions and deeds. I am no more completely evil than I am completely good. I have done many horrific things, and brought harm to many, but I have also saved countless lives, and performed acts of heroism that many simply do not know about.

I'm not sure how long I cried. It might have been an hour or more before I was able to compose myself, thank A'dal and return to the quarters I've acquired within the city. I may travel a bit this evening, just to clear my mind, but the lesson I learned here tonight is something that I needed to see for myself.

I do not have to commit evil to save my people. I need only protect them with all my heart. Wars can be fought with honor, or they can be fought with barbarism. I have been so wrong to allow some of the atrocities I've witnessed.